Posts

Who Am I?

  "Who Am I?" My children are grown, my body is different, my youth left behind.  I have been asking myself this question and I am no closer to an answer that fully embraces the depth of this simple question.   Simply answered, "I am Me".   I'm a mother that is no longer the center of my children's worlds.  I am needed less and that is a bittersweet feeling. Gone are the days when Mama's hugs could make everything better.  I miss those days.  The days that were chaotic, busy, and filled with opportunity to be fully invested in my boys' lives.  Throughout their day to day lives and activities.  Of course, wherever there was a need I stepped up to make a difference or help to aid in fixing what was broken.  I was on the Board of baseball, the dedication to their football league that eventually ended in becoming the President, and one of the mom's inputs that was beyond "stereotypical" the eyebrow raising/eyeball rolling counterpa...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's Friday

 Just finished with session with Cyndi.  I'm surprised how much I like her.  Maybe, surprised isn't the word or the true feeling.  I am thankfully impressed that I have someone to talk to and those who are charged with helping me actually came through for me.  We're three sessions in and I look forward to speaking with her.  I feel heard and I can hear myself sharing what I feel, experienced throughout the week, and my accomplishments great or small.  I know the road ahead is long and full of twists and turns, forks, U-turns, and what's in between calm and chaos.  I've been the soundboard, the pearls of wisdom, the "straighten your crown", and sometimes the reasoning for others.  I share and have shared personal experiences to provide reference and a place of understanding but have not shared with many the effects of my experiences have had on me or allowed a window into the pain I feel because of these experiences.  I keep it as a matte...
Post a Comment
Read more

Just three things

Yesterday I had plans in my head that I was going to check items of my list.  Today, however, I woke up and I knew that yesterday was a different day.  Today, I brokered a deal with myself of just three things. 1) just get up 2) brush your teeth 3) go outside and walk Duncan one time around the park. It's nearly 5pm and I just brushed my teeth.  I'm still in my Pjs, but I'll take it.  Duncan and I will make it around the park with me in my slippers, pj bottoms, and a sweatshirt.  -M
Post a Comment
Read more

Testing the waters

 I'm not sure if this will ever be read by anyone other than myself, but honestly, I'm ok with that. I'm just typing to share, release, regroup, and just to be fluid with my thoughts. Today was the day.  The day we lost her.  12 days of holding vigil over our sweet girl holding onto hope that this will not end the way we fear.  Days go by and we still hold onto that hope that soon will elude us.  Days that blur into each other, days that are suffocating, days that are now where live until even the find an end so now we live here.  I live here; trapped in the endless loop that never ends. Somedays the loop is more merciful and I can almost catch my breath.  I can almost steady my stance.  Most days the loop is vengeful and tightens its grip.  I live in the vengeance.  I'm so tired.  I'm so lost.  I'm no stranger to trauma.  I'm no stranger to loss.  My coping skills are many.  I have learned to adapt.  I have...
Post a Comment
Read more