Testing the waters

 I'm not sure if this will ever be read by anyone other than myself, but honestly, I'm ok with that. I'm just typing to share, release, regroup, and just to be fluid with my thoughts. Today was the day.  The day we lost her.  12 days of holding vigil over our sweet girl holding onto hope that this will not end the way we fear.  Days go by and we still hold onto that hope that soon will elude us.  Days that blur into each other, days that are suffocating, days that are now where live until even the find an end so now we live here.  I live here; trapped in the endless loop that never ends. Somedays the loop is more merciful and I can almost catch my breath.  I can almost steady my stance.  Most days the loop is vengeful and tightens its grip.  I live in the vengeance.  I'm so tired.  I'm so lost.  I'm no stranger to trauma.  I'm no stranger to loss.  My coping skills are many.  I have learned to adapt.  I have learned how to assemble them in a way that suits the demand.  That is until I met my match.  No matter what I do I cannot navigate where I now live.  I can't make sense of who I am now.  I cannot fix what is broken.  To be honest, I never scratched the surface of fixing anything that has been broken.  I just collect the pieces and move on.  I don't remember a time when I wasn't collecting pieces up of me too big for me to carry. It was my normal and how fucked up was that?  I became strong, a warrior.  I know this because this is what I am told I am.  Accolades for my bravery, courage, strength.  I find it amusing.  I am strong because I had to be strong.  I wasn't given a choice. Where others see strength, I see survival. Some battles were tougher than others, but I still managed to come out the other side.  Losing her however, broke me.  I don't know how to find my way back.  Today marks four years when the world no longer made sense.  The day 12 days before plays over and over without reprieve.  The choices, the "what ifs", whole fucking day just won't let go.  We all lost Lillian that day.  We all have our loss to shoulder. This I have learned.  My son actually reminded me of this. I can't fix him, and he cannot fix me.  I cannot fix my daughter.  He literally told me with the most honest sincerity that he had to handle his loss his way and I needed to learn how to face mine.  That little chestnut hit hard.  I am a mother.  I am a mother to him and his two brothers.  G lost his baby girl and as a mother I was helpless to comfort my baby boy.  As a mother, as a parent, you feel your children's pain to an infinite degree.  We are supposed to protect them, shield them, help them.  Wanting to help as it turns out is not at all helpful.  That's not what's needed.  I knew this as other's were trying to do the same to me and all that came about was awkwardness.  His brother's lost their Neice, and I lost my granddaughter.  I lost my Bug.  And for those that know this kind of pain hearing that "She will always be with you" is also not helpful.  For those that know this kind of pain know there are some things that are just too big to hold.  There is some pain too great for a heart hold.  Today was rough.  I would have stayed curled up in my chair and remained on auto pilot all the while the goal was to brush my teeth.  David was gentle.  He has been tasked with how to navigate my grief alongside me.  He has had to learn how he can love this new me.  The me that is unpredictable.  The me that is struggling. The me that knows there are others that feel this pain and know they are the ones that can understand me, but their identities are unknown to me.  The me that feels misunderstood or unseen by those they should feel close to.  In reality four years have passed, but I remain in that moment.  I remain in the horror.  I remain in her last smile, her last stealing of my waffle, and the last kiss and I love you.  I remain with the screams, in the chaos, in the failed CPR, in the failed way of being I have always been.  I remain in the helplessness.  Ya, today was rough.  G struggled and all I could do was just be there and let him be. There has been a lot of tears today.  There are a lot of tears always.  

-M